Sometimes it’s hard to be human

No, it’s always hard.

I’ve felt burdens before, yet nothing like what I’m currently experiencing.

Death never felt real before. It does now, but even this notion doesn’t encapsulate the vibe. This feeling can’t leave my brain in words. I’ve tried explaining to my wife. “It’s like a midlife crisis”. Maybe, but doubt it. And I’m not depressed.

“Life feels heavy because it is, and it’s supposed to…everyone feels the weight of existence and it’s often crushing”

My favorite writer wrote this recently. He also pointed out that it doesn’t matter how much money, good health, good luck anyone has- they still have as many problems as you. That never changes. Not even for his billionaire friends. I’ve recently come to this realization too, though wasn’t able to put it into words. Not a great feeling that all the milestones I’ve reached thus far haven’t changed anything about my life in the sense that problems still exist. You think you get to a place where you ‘made it’ and then things get easy. That doesn’t seem to be a thing. Maybe that’s just a mental prison I’ve created.

I’ll continue grinding on because that’s what I’m called to do, but there is a disappointment or dissatisfaction knowing that the finish line I’m running at doesn’t mean the race is over, just that a new race begins. Exhausting.

Nothing prepares you for the realization that is you’re running out of time

Much of my adult life has been grinding with my head down, aiming at whatever comes next. Recently I’ve stopped to take a look around. I’m 34. Woah. I’m halfway there if everything goes right. Do I have my kids’ down payments for their houses? Do I have their college tuition? These are questions I contemplate more often than I’d like to admit.

As I said, you get to one finish line and it’s time to start another race.

If my old problems are gone, here are a bunch of new ones.

I was watching one of my favorite travel YouTubers years ago. He happened upon an old Belarusian man living alone in an abandoned village in the radiation zone. They talked about his life in the USSR. His ex wife? Somewhere in Ukraine. His family? In that cemetery by the WWII memorial. Food? He boils buckwheat. Find it hanging from the rafters so the mice don’t get into it. The knock on his window that wakes him up in the middle of the night? He’s not sure who, or what, that is. If you’re familiar with that part of the world, only friends will knock on windows. It’s a typical feature of the culture. Strangers, however, will always knock on the door- never the windows. That’s proper etiquette. Nobody else lives in the village, his friends are all dead. “That’s the only time I ever get scared, I swear to God!”

While unlocking his cabin door to enter and take a break with his new YouTuber friend he says, “Иногда трудно быть человеком”— “sometimes it’s hard to be human”.

No, it’s always hard.

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“Life feels heavy because it is, and it’s supposed to. Something I wish someone older had said to me, as it would have saved me much angst, was that everyone feels the weight of existence and it’s often crushing.”